Identity Crisis. Again.

One of my favorite places in the whole wide world.

I recently spent a weekend with a group of alumni from my (increasingly distant) university days.  It's just me and about 30 Ph.D's.  Very bright people.  Nice, too.

Have you ever been in a group like this?  One where everyone is introducing themselves with statements like, "I teach engineering at such-and-such University," and "I'm finishing my dissertation in biophysics," and "I just got back from Hogwart's and next week I am going to Cambodia to study developing economies."  Maybe you used to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a social worker, or an administrative assistant.  Whatever you were before you had kids, have you been in a group of people who still...are?

Then you introduce yourself and say, "I stay home with my children."

I kinda hate myself for this, but I couldn't help feeling less than in that environment, wondering if others were judging me for my choices.  I couldn't help wishing I was still working.  And it's hard.  Harder still because I thought I was so over this.  I mean, it's been five years since I "quit working" (a funny phrase really, as if I don't work my behind off now).

And for a year or so after my son was born I was all "who am I?"  Then I got over it.  Or so I thought, before I was confronted with a bunch of awesome people doing awesome stuff that I miss doing.  Truth is, I have never questioned my decision to become a stay-at-home mom.  Just sort of wish I could do it all.

So, things I am trying to remember:

• I chose to stay home with my children and consider it a blessing.  It was my family's decision and the right one for us.  And its a blessing many people don't enjoy, so man, do I feel like Whiney McWhinerson just writing this post!
• Uh...oh yeah, I can't read other people's minds.  No one said I'm stupid for wasting my education, so I gotta stop wondering if that's what people are thinking.  And (more importantly) stop caring.  
• I can't get these years back with my children, but I can work again someday.
• I knew what I was doing, and I considered losing career momentum a worthy trade-off for being at home.
• My success in this endeavor cannot be measured...certainly not in terms of money or position or awards. Perhaps in snuggles? 

I know these things.  But I sure felt that old identity crisis rearing its ugly, judgmental head again that weekend. Maybe next time I find myself in such a situation I'll say, "I keep two people alive every day.  Also teach them to be human."  I do feel pretty good about it, when I put it like that.

White Paint Saves the Day

I love it when furniture does double-duty.  These days, I'm a little obsessed with squeezing storage into my rooms.  So I recently switched out glass-topped end tables for tables with more storage.  Here's the newest addition:

She just sits in her little corner, looking cute:

And maybe a little old and wise:

I love her.  I love that all the video game controllers and remotes fit in her drawers.  I love that big old crack in her top and how how her wood is warped in places.  And I especially love that she is right at home here.  After all, she's come a long way from how I found her:

When something is so gross that a spider crawls out of it while you're cleaning it up, any improvement looks like a million bucks.  But especially when it's easy, breezy white paint to the rescue!



P.S. Lovin' the Linky's over at:

House of Grace

Beyond the Picket Fence

It's a Pirate Party, Me Hearties!

Biggest Boy turned five years old last week.  FIVE.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Fortunately I had a pirate party to throw, which reminded me that a birthday is a fun and joyous thing, not a reason to get weepy and cry because my boy isn't little anymore.  Instead he's all arms and legs and superhero-ninja-knight-monster.

And pirate!

Actually, we all were.

I wasn't sure how I would pull off a pirate party, but I actually got crazy into it!  Here's a taste of the decor:

Our swashbuckling mantel.

And a close-up so you know...it's all about the treasure!

The dining room got swathed in black and red.

All our mateys were invited to dress up as they arrived.

Our favorite activity was a treasure hunt that culminated in digging for treasure on the back deck.
Got this idea from Pinterest.

I tried to be cute with my food labels.  "Unsalted Water."  Get it?
Oh, okay, so I'm not the funniest person in the world.

The pirate ship cupcake wraps are available as a shape in the Silhouette store.  Loved them!

Orange slices and jello pirate ships: another idea from Pinterest.  Pinterest basically threw the party for me.

So, did we have fun?

Yeah, we did.

P.S. Lovin' the Linky's at Designer Garden!

Coming Clean

Happy New Year!

Yep, I am more than a little belated.  Sorry about that, but I am still feeling the "fresh start" mood of the new year and I am going to kick mine off by sharing what's been going on with me for the last six months.

Sometime last Spring or early Summer my husband applied for a job in a different city.  We went through months of waiting, interviewing, waiting, interviewing again before he was finally offered the job, and it was a dream come true!  We absolutely love that area, and it was a great job opportunity, so we enthusiastically embraced the change and put our house on the market.

Five months later, our house was still not even close to selling.  My husband was working at his new job during the week and commuting home on the weekends, and this went on for four months.  I was basically a single mom all week long, with my house on the market and no preschool since it was Summer.  Recipe for crazy.  I have a new appreciation for real single moms, and for moms whose spouses travel a lot.  I will admit that I let most things in my life slide.  Little things like exercise, and healthy eating habits, and friendships, and consistent discipline, and limits on cartoon watching, and attempting patience and...well, you get the point.  It was all about keeping the house clean and looking forward to the Hubs coming home on the weekend.

And it was hard for my husband, too.  That man missed us, ya know?

So, when his job here offered him a new position, and when the folks at his new job were completely understanding about why he would come back...well, he did!  And again, it was a dream come true.  My husband "moved back" in mid-December and we've been honeymooning ever since.

Things I learned from this experience that I would like to share with you:

1. I am a very private person.  This is something I have always known about myself, but this experience  showed me how that tendency impacts my blog.  I had safety concerns about sharing that I was alone with the kids all week (is that crazy or just cautious?  I can't be sure).  But something more was at play here...and it was about opening up to others when things get rough.  I am not good at it.  So I didn't, at least not here.  And, in a way, I regret that because I might have really benefited from getting some feedback from you.  But I also know I am hardwired to be private.  What is a mommy blogger to do when opening up is not her nature?

2.  I am a very impatient person.  When I want something, I want it now.  I have about as much patience for God's plan as my kids have on Christmas morning.  I was so humbled by being forced to wait, and then having His plan be so different from my expectations, and--of course--so much better.

3. I take so much for granted.  Like my imperfect house that nevertheless has many features I couldn't find in a new house.  Like children who are resilient and didn't kill me during those five months.  Like a husband who does all that he does.  Like a God who held me in his hands when I cried over this ordeal, speaking gently through my pain and reminding me I will be better for it.  If I am going to make a resolution this year, its to not take so much for granted.

I hope it doesn't sound like I think that what I have been through is the worst thing in the world.  I think of all the women whose husbands are deployed right now and my little situation looks like a fairy tale in comparison.  Nor do I go around being hard on myself in how I reacted.  But I wanted to share my thoughts on the whole thing, and to explain why the blog has taken a backseat.

It's ironic that 2011 was supposed to be the year of "Simpler is Better." Instead it was the year I started a business, put my house on the market, and was a quasi-single mom for half the year.  My motto should have been "Simpler is Not Gonna Happen."  I'm not making a motto for 2012, but if I did it would be something like:

"Love what you have and trust God with the rest 
because life is crazy and you just gotta do your best."  

Ya feel me?

Happy Fifth Birthday, Little Prince

Seems like yesterday I brought you home from the hospital.  We were overjoyed and terrified, and above all knew we were blessed beyond our wildest dreams.  I love you, sooooooooooooo..........

MUCH!